Friday, 7 March 2014

99 Problems

I got 99 problems and my toddler is ALL OF THEM.

99. I have no idea what's happening in the world because the news isn't on cbeebies. 
98. But I know all the words to the Something Special theme tune.
97. And In the Night Garden.
96. And Fifi and the Flowertots. 
95. I know who Mr Bloom is.
94. And Justin.
93. And Melody.
92. And Katie from I Can Cook.
91. Talking of I Can Cook: I'm so unappealing now that my husband's standards have dropped and 'girl next door type' Katie from I Can Cook is his new pin up. 
90. Sometimes I think I fancy Mr Bloom.


89. Leaving the house takes 25 times longer than it used to.
88. So does getting into a car.
87. And eating a meal .
86. And getting dressed.
85. And buying anything in any shop. 

84. A luke warm mug of tea with toast floating in it counts as a treat.
83. So does watching Saturday Night TV on my own.
82. I haven't 'browsed' in a shop for 2 years. 
81. Or read a book.
80. Or listened to an album of music not aimed at toddlers.

79. The most in depth conversation I had with my husband this week was about how Iggle Piggle doesn't have much personality but provides an important vehicle for the narrative of In the Night Garden.
78. We also seriously discussed who was our favourite character. For some time.
77. It's Upsy Daisy. Because of her inflatable skirt and funny dance.
76. I like Upsy Daisy's funny dance.
75. I ACTUALLY laugh a bit when she 'getsies up and fallsies down and getsies up again"

74. I eat my lunch at 11:45am
73. I eat my dinner at 5:45pm
72. My lunch is beans on toast 5 days a week. 
71. It's egg on toast the other 2 days. 
70. I have to share all my meals with a toddler. 

69. I have to share all my drinks with a toddler.
68. This often means there are tiny bits of baked bean in my drink. 
67. I have to put my tea out of reach so the toddler can't reach it. This means I also can't reach it.
66. If I want to drink something fizzy I have to do it in secret.
65. Ditto eating or drinking anything remotely nice.

64. I can't see a plane without saying "ooh look! A plane!"
63. Ditto tractors.
62. And cats.
61. And dogs.
60. And ducks.
59. And helicopters.
58. And police cars.
57. And fire engines.
56. And sticks.
55. And trees.

54. Not only do I point out everything I see, I do it in a weird toddlerised voice. 
53. I call my husband Daddy.
52. Seriously. I actually do that.
51. I refer to myself in the 3rd person 95% of the time.
50. The name I give myself is "Mummy". Urgh!.

49. Getting to 99 problems is going to be too easy.
48. I stand on toys several times a day.
47. Sometimes I stand on a used nappy.
46. I often stand on a cold baked bean.
45. All my shoes (and socks) have squished raisins stuck to the bottom.

44. All my clothes have food smeared on them.
43. All my shoes are muddy.
42. The back seat of my car looks like a community of tramps lives there.
41. There are pen marks on my walls.
40. And baked bean stains on my carpet.



39.  My kitchen is full of brightly coloured plastic plates and bowls which do NOT compliment the white French farmhouse kitchen theme I was after.
38. My bath is full of foam letters, many of which have mould on.
37. My living room resembles a nursery school.
36. There are clang-y, white metal gates across every doorway in the house.
35. There is a massive, usually muddy, buggy filling our hallway.

34. Dry shampoo is a staple part of my beauty regime.
33. Actually, it's the only part of my beauty regime.
32. I share my toothbrush with a toddler because he wants to and it's too early to argue.
31. I smell of over ripe bananas.
30. I haven't worn make up in 2 years.

29. There had been only one CD played in our car for the last 11 months.
28. It's toddler songs.
27. I know all the words.
26. On certain days the toddler decrees that we can only listen to tracks 7 and 12.
25. I know that track 7 (row, row, row your boat) lasts exactly 1 minute and 48 seconds. 

24. I am fighting a losing battle against snot all day every day.
23. And poo.
22. And duplo.
21. And "schmanana" (schmushed up banana)
20. And rogue raisins.

19. I am more than familiar with the horrendous noise of soft play centres.
18. And the smell.
17. And the filth.
16. And the increased blood pressure. 
15. And the other children. 

14. I watch the Teletubbies at Christmas DVD. In February.
13. I have just watched the "washing a pig" episode of Mr Tumble FOURTEEN times in the last 3 days. 
12. My brain has regressed to the stage where I find watching Mr Tumble quite entertaining and informative. 
11. I will be a bit sad when the pig washing episode is taken off iplayer next week.
10. I get a bit annoyed if someone switches off Mr Tumble before the "pleeease come back aaaagain" part. 



9. I have to say "ooh where's he gone?!" followed by "there you are!!" upwards of 200 times a day.
8. I eat "soup" made of plastic lemons between every meal. 
7. And drink 17000 cups of invisible tea a day.
6. And have to "go to sleep" on the floor whenever the mood takes him.

5. I can't remember the last time I had a bath alone.
4. Or had a shower alone.
3. Or brushed my teeth alone.
2. Or went to the supermarket alone.
1. Or the last time I was alone. Full stop.


Did I miss anything???

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