Monday, 24 November 2014

Mum's Christmas List

Dear Santa (beloved relatives and friends),

I have been extremely good this year, putting up with a lot of shit (both literally and figuratively) from my children without ONCE going on a killing rampage or leaving the kids in a cardboard box by the church door. 

This year, for the love of all that is festive, PLEASE don't get me anymore sodding bubble bath. I still haven't opened the 17 bottles I got at the birth of my first child. I know people mean well but unless you're going to come and take BOTH my children out of the house for an hour when I want a bath, you may as we'll not bother! 

So now we know where we stand on bubble bath, here is a list of things I have been coveting recently from the only friends I have, Cbeebies characters.

1. Grandpa's Shrinking Cap
Lucky old Grandpa, he just gets to tootle off to be tiny and magical whenever he fancies and no one ever screams "WHERE HAVE YOU GONE?" as soon as he leaves the room. Oh for that ability to disappear! I would use the shrinking cap mostly to hide from my children, and occasionally to freak them out by flying their retro fisher price plane. 

Tuesday, 18 November 2014

House Pregnancy

We are currently embroiled in the most agonising, boring, frustrating and all-consuming process we have ever been through, second only to pregnancy.

We are house pregnant. Waiting for the stork to deliver us our brand new family home to love and cherish for years to come. And just like being actual pregnant, being house pregnant SUCKS.

Friday, 14 November 2014

Thoughts you have at 3am when your child won't sleep

The middle of the night is a dark and lonely time when your "old enough to sleep better" offspring are torturing you with frequent wakings, demands for milk or just plain sleep refusal. 

My 11 month old son has a medical condition called "boobaholism" whereby his body apparently shuts down causing him to thrash around as if in agony if his lips haven't touched a nipple in 4 hours. It's a serious and tiresome condition. 

These are a few of the thoughts that come to me at 3am as I repeatedly fail to detach the giant limpet from my breast.

1.  I can't wait for my kids to have babies so I can join in with the worldwide official secrets act in which anyone over the age of 50 pretends their babies "just slept through". (No they bloody didn't!!! You are ALL LIARS!)

2. If I "tripped" and fell on the way back to bed I could pretend I hit my head. Then I could go to A&E for the night and be woken every 15 mins for observations. I would probably get more sleep.

3. My husband might not believe me... So maybe I should ACTUALLY break a limb. I'm sure it won't hurt too much.

Monday, 10 November 2014

Best Feeling in the World

I'm one of the lucky ones in life. In spite of my endless moaning about lack of sleep and inability to urinate in peace, I know I've got a pretty great life.

Today, if you'll allow me. I'd like to tell you about the best thing that's ever happened to me. 

It wasn't my first kiss, which happened to be with my husband and sparked a whirlwind slow-burn, predominantly drunken romance which continues to this day. The taste of cider and roll up cigarettes will always have a special place in my heart. As will the sight of a man in a wetsuit and tux. (He was dressed as aqua-Bond), but it wasn't the best day of my life.

Friday, 7 November 2014

Blogfest Preparation

Tomorrow I'm going to Mumsnet Blogfest 2014. If you don't really know what that means... Well, neither do I but I know I get to meet lots of very funny bloggers I laugh at (... with) on twitter and drink free gin (the gin IS free right?) and get a goody bag. Also I get a whole day without rug-rats in the big smoke!

So here's how I've been preparing:

1. Religiously checking the to see if somehow in the past 25 minutes they have decided to cancel the replacement bus service and let me get home on a train. (They haven't.)

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